The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was

nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,

'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,

but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been

invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad

apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long

as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died

off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,

but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a

large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked

some other people to join him, but they said they would

have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more

famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his

birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son

named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was

Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt

and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on

Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,

bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day

with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your

neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:

Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first

Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and

the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a

giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had

about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,

but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then

barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league

prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the

star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying

to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would

be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like

the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they

named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even

preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the

Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.