"My wife won't let me."

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won't let me."

They wouldn't let me in without a tie

A traveler was stumbling throughthe dessert,desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting ay a table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parced wanderer asked" please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?
The man repllied" I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here is one that goes nicely with your clothes?
The desperate man shouted" I don't want a tie your idiot, I need water"
OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, i'll tel you that over the hill there about 5 miles.
, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give all the water you want.
The man thanked the peddler and walked towards the hilland eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said" I told you 5 miles down over that hill. Couldn't you find it"?
I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.

I need a new garage door

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”

“Fine, I need a new garage door.”

Yea for the GOOD GUYS!!!

A young Canadian soldier was attending some college courses between assignments .

He had also completed missions in Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?'

Came the reply,

'God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me'


THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING

Funny Quotes from Children

What Is Butt Dust???

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles....

Labour Laws

A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan.

The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.