Jokes can be said in church

Attending a wedding for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''


The mother replied, 'Because white is
the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life.'


The child thought about this for a
moment then said, 'So why is the groom
wearing black?'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best,
was running as fast as she could, trying
not to be late for Bible class. As she ran
she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let
me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let
me be late!'


While she was running and praying, she
tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She
got up, brushed herself off, and started
running again! As she ran she once again
began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late...But please don't shove
me either!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three boys are in the school yard bragging
about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'


The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My
Dad scribbles a few words on piece of
paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'


The third boy says, 'I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece
of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes
eight people to collect all the money!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly woman died last month. Having
never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions
for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A police recruit was asked during the
exam, 'What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?' He answered,
'Call for backup.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday School teacher asked her class
why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem . A small child replied,
'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the
commandment to 'Honor thy father and
thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a
commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?'


Without missing a beat, one little boy
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


At Sunday School they were teaching
how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs.


Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and
she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain
in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two boys were walking home from
Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the
other, 'What do you think about all this
Satan stuff?'


The other boy replied, 'Well, you know
how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably
just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you
grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing! Take heed and pass these
along to people who need a laugh.

Hiccups

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

A Christian

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself,

You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it.' Then he thought , Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter, who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from God' and keep quiet.'

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change.' The driver, with asmile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town?' 'Yes' he replied.

'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you at church on Sunday.' When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.' Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians, and will put us to the test!

Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself 'Christian.'

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder. So, I choose to forward it to you - my friend.

God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!

St. Porphyry of Gaza (353-421)

We go far back in history today to learn a bit about a saint whose name is not familiar to most of us in the West but who is celebrated by the Greek and other Eastern churches.

Born near Greece in the mid-fourth century, Porphry is most known for his generosity to the poor and for his ascetic lifestyle. Deserts and caves were his home for a time. At age 40, living in Jerusalem, Porphyry was ordained a priest.

If the accounts we have are correct, he was elected bishop of Gaza—without his knowledge and against his will. He was, in effect, kidnapped (with the help of a neighboring bishop, by the way) and forcibly consecrated bishop by the members of the small Christian community there. No sooner had Porphyry been consecrated bishop then he was accused by the local pagans of causing a drought. When rains came shortly afterward, the pagans gave credit to Porphyry and the Christian population and tensions subsided for a time.

For the next 13 years, Porphyry worked tirelessly for his people, instructed them and made many converts, though pagan opposition continued throughout his life. He died in the year 421.

Blessed John of Fiesole (c. 1400-1455)

The patron of Christian artists was born around 1400 in a village overlooking Florence. He took up painting as a young boy and studied under the watchful eye of a local painting master. He joined the Dominicans at about age 20, taking the name Fra Giovanni. He eventually came to be known as Fra Angelico, perhaps a tribute to his own angelic qualities or maybe the devotional tone of his works.
He continued to study painting and perfect his own techniques, which included broad-brush strokes, vivid colors and generous, lifelike figures. Michelangelo once said of Fra Angelico: “One has to believe that this good monk has visited paradise and been allowed to choose his models there.” Whatever his subject matter, Fra Angelico sought to generate feelings of religious devotion in response to his paintings. Among his most famous works are the Annunciation and Descent from the Cross as well as frescoes in the monastery of San Marco in Florence.

He also served in leadership positions within the Dominican Order. At one point Pope Eugenius approached him about serving as archbishop of Florence. Fra Angelico declined, preferring a simpler life. He died in 1455.

St. Conrad of Piacenza (1290-1350)

Born of a noble family in northern Italy, Conrad as a young man married Euphrosyne, daughter of a nobleman.
One day while hunting he ordered attendants to set fire to some brush in order to flush out the game. The fire spread to nearby fields and to a large forest. Conrad fled. An innocent peasant was imprisoned, tortured to confess and condemned to death. Conrad confessed his guilt, saved the man’s life and paid for the damaged property.

Soon after this event, Conrad and his wife agreed to separate: she to a Poor Clare monastery and he to a group of hermits following the Third Order Rule. His reputation for holiness, however, spread quickly. Since his many visitors destroyed his solitude, Conrad went to a more remote spot in Sicily where he lived 36 years as a hermit, praying for himself and for the rest of the world.

Prayer and penance were his answer to the temptations that beset him. Conrad died kneeling before a crucifix. He was canonized in 1625.

Blessed John of Fiesole (c. 1400-1455)

The patron of Christian artists was born around 1400 in a village overlooking Florence. He took up painting as a young boy and studied under the watchful eye of a local painting master. He joined the Dominicans at about age 20, taking the name Fra Giovanni. He eventually came to be known as Fra Angelico, perhaps a tribute to his own angelic qualities or maybe the devotional tone of his works.

He continued to study painting and perfect his own techniques, which included broad-brush strokes, vivid colors and generous, lifelike figures. Michelangelo once said of Fra Angelico: “One has to believe that this good monk has visited paradise and been allowed to choose his models there.” Whatever his subject matter, Fra Angelico sought to generate feelings of religious devotion in response to his paintings. Among his most famous works are the Annunciation and Descent from the Cross as well as frescoes in the monastery of San Marco in Florence.

He also served in leadership positions within the Dominican Order. At one point Pope Eugenius approached him about serving as archbishop of Florence. Fra Angelico declined, preferring a simpler life. He died in 1455.

St. Gilbert of Sempringham (c. 1083-1189)

Gilbert was born in Sempringham, England, into a wealthy family, but he followed a path quite different from that expected of him as the son of a Norman knight. Sent to France for his higher education, he decided to pursue seminary studies.
He returned to England not yet ordained a priest, and inherited several estates from his father. But Gilbert avoided the easy life he could have led under the circumstances. Instead he lived a simple life at a parish, sharing as much as possible with the poor. Following his ordination to the priesthood he served as parish priest at Sempringham.

Among the congregation were seven young women who had expressed to him their desire to live in religious life. In response, Gilbert had a house built for them adjacent to the Church. There they lived an austere life, but one which attracted ever more numbers; eventually lay sisters and lay brothers were added to work the land. The religious order formed eventually became known as the Gilbertines.

St. Claude la Colombière (1641-1682)

This is a special day for the Jesuits, who claim today’s saint as one of their own. It’s also a special day for people who have a special devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus—a devotion Claude la Colombière promoted, along with his friend and spiritual companion, St. Margaret Mary Alacoque. The emphasis on God’s love for all was an antidote to the rigorous moralism of the Jansenists, who were popular at the time.
Claude showed remarkable preaching skills long before his ordination in 1675. Two months later he was made superior of a small Jesuit residence in Burgundy. It was there he first encountered Margaret Mary Alacoque. For many years after he served as her confessor.
He was next sent to England to serve as confessor to the Duchess of York. He preached by both words and by the example of his holy life, converting a number of Protestants. Tensions arose against Catholics and Claude, rumored to be part of a plot against the king, was imprisoned. He was ultimately banished, but by then his health had been ruined.
He died in 1682. Pope John Paul the Second canonized Claude la Colombière in 1992.

You're Under Arrest

Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, angry and out of control at the man, hammering on her steering wheel and dash.
The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish symbol on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

God's Healing Powers

A deaf man, a blind man and a disabled man heard a rumor that God came down to a mountaintop to solve people's problems. They all went to find out if it was true.

God asked the deaf man, "Can I help you, son?"
The man signed that he would be so happy if he could get his hearing back. God touched the man and suddenly he could hear.

God then touched the blind man and he was able to see.

The third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted.

The man drew back and yelled, "Don't lay one finger on me. I'm on disability!"

St. Giles Mary of St. Joseph (1729-1812)

In the same year that a power-hungry Napoleon Bonaparte led his army into Russia, Giles Mary of St. Joseph ended a life of humble service to his Franciscan community and to the citizens of Naples.
Francesco was born in Taranto to very poor parents. His father’s death left the 18-year-old Francesco to care for the family. Having secured their future, he entered the Friars Minor at Galatone in 1754. For 53 years he served at St. Paschal’s Hospice in Naples in various roles, such as cook, porter or most often as official beggar for that community.

“Love God, love God” was his characteristic phrase as he gathered food for the friars and shared some of his bounty with the poor—all the while consoling the troubled and urging everyone to repent. The charity which he reflected on the streets of Naples was born in prayer and nurtured in the common life of the friars. The people whom Giles met on his begging rounds nicknamed him the “Consoler of Naples.

St. Scholastica (480-542?)

Twins often share the same interests and ideas with an equal intensity. Therefore, it is no surprise that Scholastica and her twin brother, Benedict, both established religious communities within a few miles from each other.
Born in 480 of wealthy parents, Scholastica and Benedict were brought up together until he left for Rome to continue his studies.
Little is known of Scholastica’s early life. She founded a religious community for women near Monte Cassino at Plombariola, five miles from where her brother governed a monastery.
The twins visited each other once a year in a farmhouse because Scholastica was not permitted inside the monastery. They spent these times discussing spiritual matters.
According to the Dialogues of St. Gregory the Great, the brother and sister spent their last day together in prayer and conversation. Scholastica sensed her death was close at hand and she begged Benedict to stay with her until the next day.

THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades upfrom a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible. But I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied.....

"Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

GOD'S ACCURACY

How lovely to think about the way our Creator God planned everything so carefully and perfectly, everything with a plan. As His highest creation, 'we are fearfully and wonderfully made.' God's accuracy may be observed in the hatching of eggs. For example, the eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days; Those of the canary in 14 days; Those of the barnyard hen in 21 days. The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days; The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days. (Notice, they are all divisible by seven). God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant. The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other Quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs. For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily. The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first. A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first. How wise the Lord is in all His works of creation! God's wisdom is revealed in His arrangement of sections and segments, as well as in the number of grains. Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind. Each orange has an even number of segments. Each ear of corn has an even number of rows. Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
Every bunch of bananas has, on its lowest row, an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number. The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather. All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks. The Lord specified thirty fold, sixty fold, and a hundredfold - all even numbers.
God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day, so that Linneus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!
Thus the Lord in His wonderful grace can arrange the life that is entrusted to His care in such a way that it will carry out His purposes and plans, and will be fragrant with His presence. Only the God-planned life is successful. Only the life given over to the care of the Lord is safe.
~Author unknown~

"Your horse called"

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

St. Paul Miki and Companions (d.1597)

Nagasaki, Japan, is familiar to Americans as the city on which the second atomic bomb was dropped, killing hundreds of thousands. Three and a half centuries before, 26 martyrs of Japan were crucified on a hill, now known as the Holy Mountain, overlooking Nagasaki. Among them were priests, brothers and laymen, Franciscans, Jesuits and members of the Secular Franciscan Order; there were catechists, doctors, simple artisans and servants, old men and innocent children—all united in a common faith and love for Jesus and his Church.
Brother Paul Miki, a Jesuit and a native of Japan, has become the best known among the martyrs of Japan. While hanging upon a cross Paul Miki preached to the people gathered for the execution: “The sentence of judgment says these men came to Japan from the Philippines, but I did not come from any other country. I am a true Japanese. The only reason for my being killed is that I have taught the doctrine of Christ. I certainly did teach the doc

When missionaries returned to Japan in the 1860s, at first they found no trace of Christianity. But after establishing themselves they found that thousands of Christians lived around Nagasaki and that they had secretly preserved the faith. Beatified in 1627, the martyrs of Japan were finally canonized in 1862.

St. Agatha (d. 251?)

As in the case of Agnes, another virgin-martyr of the early Church, almost nothing is historically certain about this saint except that she was martyred in Sicily during the persecution of Emperor Decius in 251.
Legend has it that Agatha, like Agnes, was arrested as a Christian, tortured and sent to a house of prostitution to be mistreated. She was preserved from being violated, and was later put to death.

She is claimed as the patroness of both Palermo and Catania. The year after her death, the stilling of an eruption of Mt. Etna was attributed to her intercession. As a result, apparently, people continued to ask her prayers for protection against fire.

St. Joseph of Leonissa (1556-1612)

Joseph avoided the safe compromises by which people sometimes undercut the gospel. Born at Leonissa in the Kingdom of Naples, Joseph joined the Capuchins in his hometown in 1573. Denying himself hearty meals and comfortable quarters, he prepared for ordination and a life of preaching.
In 1587 he went to Constantinople to take care of the Christian galley slaves working under Turkish masters. Imprisoned for this work, he was warned not to resume it on his release. He did and was again imprisoned and then condemned to death. Miraculously freed, he returned to Italy where he preached to the poor and reconciled feuding families as well as warring cities which had been at odds for years. He was canonized in 1746.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

**First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.**
**They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.***** **
**Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.***** **
**We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.***** **
**As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.***** **
***Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.**** **
***We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. **
**We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.***** **
**We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?***** **
**Because we were always outside playing...that's why!**** **
**We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.***** **
**No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.***** ***
**We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,***** ****we learned to solve the problem.**** **
***We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. ***
**_WE HAD FRIENDS_**** and we went outside and found them!***** **
**We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. **
**We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.*****
**We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.***** **
***We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. ***
**Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.***** **
**Imagine that!!**** ***
**The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! ****
**These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.***** **
**The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.***** **
**We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. ***
**If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!***** ***
**You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives **//for our own good//**.***** **
**While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.***** **
> //Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it? ///*
***The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: **
**'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' ***
**For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.***** ***
**For the rest of us...pass this on.***** **

*VERY **INTERESTING **STUFF*

*In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'*
* It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.*
* In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them> 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'*
* It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'*

* Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.*
* In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule** **of thumb'.*
* Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered**into the English language.*
* The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.*
* Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?*
*A. All were invented by women.*
* Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?*
*A. Honey* *
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.*
* I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the only iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?*
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.*
* Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.*
* Coca-Cola was originally green.*
* It is impossible to lick your elbow.*
* The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:* *
* Alaska*
* The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)*
* The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%*
* The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age*
Of **eleven: *
* $ 16,400*
* The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:* *

61,000* *
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.*
> The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.*
> The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.*

> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:*
> Spades - King David
> Hearts - Charlemagne
> Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> Diamonds - Julius Caesar* *

> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321* *

> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.*
> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.*

> Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?*
> A. Their birthplace* *

> Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?*
> A. Obsession* *
> Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?*
> A. One thousand* *

> Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?*
> A. Father's Day

> At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!*

> YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when_*
> 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.*
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.*
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.*
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.*
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.*
> 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.*
>7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen*
> 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.*
> 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.*
> 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )*
> 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.*
> 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.*
> 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.*
> 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

> ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~* *
> NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.*

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. Grant me the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Money Savings on Preparing Meals

Whole Chicken or a roast is the very best buy for any family. Bake a chicken; serve the drumsticks, wings, and thighs first. Save the Breast for sandwiches and the back for soup. A roast, cook until tender and serve it as a roast the first night, next night tacos, next night maybe burritos, or hash. You will find that you not only have wonderful meals but also saving a lot of money, and your family will love your creativeness.