Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If the church wants a better preacher,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
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We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
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God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation :
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

St. Maria Bertilla Boscardin

St. Maria Bertilla Boscardin
(1888-1922)
If anyone knew rejection, ridicule and disappointment, it was today’s saint. But such trials only brought Maria Bertilla Boscardin closer to God and more determined to serve him.
Born in Italy in 1888, the young girl lived in fear of her father, a violent man prone to jealousy and drunkenness. Her schooling was limited so that she could spend more time helping at home and working in the fields. She showed few talents and was often the butt of jokes.
In 1904 she joined the Sisters of St. Dorothy and was assigned to work in the kitchen, bakery and laundry. After some time Maria received nurses’ training and began working in a hospital with children suffering from diphtheria. There the young nun seemed to find her true vocation: nursing very ill and disturbed children. Later, when the hospital was taken over by the military in World War I, Sister Maria Bertilla fearlessly cared for patients amidst the threat of constant air raids and bombings.
She died in 1922 after suffering for many years from a painful tumor. Some of the patients she had nursed many years before were present at her canonization in 1961.

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by, 'Oh excuse me please' was my
> >>> reply.
> >>>
> >>> He said, 'Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you.'
> >>>
> >>> We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we
> >>> said goodbye.
> >>>
> >>> But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones,
> >>> young and old.
> >>>
> >>> Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very
> >>> still.
> >>>
> >>> When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. 'Move out of the way,' I said
> >>> with a frown.
> >>>
> >>> He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly
> >>> I'd spoken.
> >>>
> >>> While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said,
> >>>
> >>> 'While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family
> >>> you love, you seem to abuse.
> >>>
> >>> Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the
> >>> door.
> >>>
> >>> Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink,
> >>> yellow and blue.
> >>>
> >>> He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears
> >>> that filled his little eyes.'
> >>>
> >>> By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall.
> >>>
> >>> I quietly went and knelt by his bed; 'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I
> >>> said.
> >>>
> >>> 'Are these the flowers you picked for me?' He smiled, 'I found 'em, out
> >>> by the tree.
> >>>
> >>> I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em,
> >>> especially the blue.'
> >>>
> >>> I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have
> >>> yelled at you that way.' He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you
> >>> anyway.'
> >>>
> >>> I said, 'Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the
> >>> blue.'
> >>>
> >>> FAMILY Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are
> >>> working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family
> >>> we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
> >>>
> >>> And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our
> >>> own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is
> >>> behind the story?
> >>>
> >>> Do you know what the word FAMILYmeans? FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER
> >>> (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
> >>>
> >>> Pass this message to 7 people except you and me.
> >>>
> >>> You will receive a miracle tomorrow. Don't ignore and God will bless you
> >>>

"I would like to join this damn church."

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it, I said I
want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

7 degrees of Blonde

> > FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang At 2 in the morning.
> The very blonde wife picked up the phone, Listened a moment and said
> 'How should I know, that's 200 miles From here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
>
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the
> coast is clear.'
>
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> Sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror And says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
>
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
>
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> and Buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
> opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
> blonde is really Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
> as she does so, she is
>
> Overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
>
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
> Wade was about.
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
> decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> Reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
> radio,
>
> And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
>
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde Ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> dog, then Sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> moaned, 'I come Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> police for help, and what do They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
>