Funny Quotes from Children

What Is Butt Dust???



JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one
for cold milk?'



MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'





STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'





BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in

vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom

explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'





SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'



DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I

cost?'



CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'



MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'



TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather

wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then

asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'



JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife

looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What

happened to the flea?'



The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...





This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without
you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my

very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt
dust?'

'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

you've got 24 hours to live".

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

AIR TRAVEL needs

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

TIRED OF THE RAIN?

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him, so he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Manitoba...

They're still too wet to burn."

Amazing family tradition:

Isaac Ole had heard from his grandma stories of an amazing family tradition in his family. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Isaac’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked," it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes with a broad smile and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January when the lake is frozen and you were born in hot July!"

"You left your cell phone at the con- venience store."

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the con-
venience store."

it's a local call

An American tourist was inside an Orlando church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. Intrigued, the tourist asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The tourist thanked the priest and went on his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'Wonderful. Thank you.' said the tourist. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. Finally, upon leaving Vermont, he decided to travel to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

Arriving in Canada, and upon entering the first church, he saw the same golden telephone. But this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father’, he said, ‘I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the U.S., the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'

The genie joke

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A firefighter and a little girl

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his
shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead
of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in
first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the
ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and
blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the
old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the
horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the
problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple
blessing and last rites.'

Jonah & a whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

How much for a season pass?

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

I did because I am a gentleman.

At an entrance:

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?

Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.

My dog told me

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

“I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”