Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If the church wants a better preacher,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
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We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers
'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
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God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
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The best mathematical equation :
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

St. Maria Bertilla Boscardin

St. Maria Bertilla Boscardin
(1888-1922)
If anyone knew rejection, ridicule and disappointment, it was today’s saint. But such trials only brought Maria Bertilla Boscardin closer to God and more determined to serve him.
Born in Italy in 1888, the young girl lived in fear of her father, a violent man prone to jealousy and drunkenness. Her schooling was limited so that she could spend more time helping at home and working in the fields. She showed few talents and was often the butt of jokes.
In 1904 she joined the Sisters of St. Dorothy and was assigned to work in the kitchen, bakery and laundry. After some time Maria received nurses’ training and began working in a hospital with children suffering from diphtheria. There the young nun seemed to find her true vocation: nursing very ill and disturbed children. Later, when the hospital was taken over by the military in World War I, Sister Maria Bertilla fearlessly cared for patients amidst the threat of constant air raids and bombings.
She died in 1922 after suffering for many years from a painful tumor. Some of the patients she had nursed many years before were present at her canonization in 1961.

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by, 'Oh excuse me please' was my
> >>> reply.
> >>>
> >>> He said, 'Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you.'
> >>>
> >>> We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we
> >>> said goodbye.
> >>>
> >>> But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones,
> >>> young and old.
> >>>
> >>> Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very
> >>> still.
> >>>
> >>> When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. 'Move out of the way,' I said
> >>> with a frown.
> >>>
> >>> He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly
> >>> I'd spoken.
> >>>
> >>> While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said,
> >>>
> >>> 'While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family
> >>> you love, you seem to abuse.
> >>>
> >>> Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the
> >>> door.
> >>>
> >>> Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink,
> >>> yellow and blue.
> >>>
> >>> He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears
> >>> that filled his little eyes.'
> >>>
> >>> By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall.
> >>>
> >>> I quietly went and knelt by his bed; 'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I
> >>> said.
> >>>
> >>> 'Are these the flowers you picked for me?' He smiled, 'I found 'em, out
> >>> by the tree.
> >>>
> >>> I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em,
> >>> especially the blue.'
> >>>
> >>> I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have
> >>> yelled at you that way.' He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you
> >>> anyway.'
> >>>
> >>> I said, 'Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the
> >>> blue.'
> >>>
> >>> FAMILY Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are
> >>> working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family
> >>> we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
> >>>
> >>> And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our
> >>> own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is
> >>> behind the story?
> >>>
> >>> Do you know what the word FAMILYmeans? FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER
> >>> (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
> >>>
> >>> Pass this message to 7 people except you and me.
> >>>
> >>> You will receive a miracle tomorrow. Don't ignore and God will bless you
> >>>

"I would like to join this damn church."

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it, I said I
want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

7 degrees of Blonde

> > FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang At 2 in the morning.
> The very blonde wife picked up the phone, Listened a moment and said
> 'How should I know, that's 200 miles From here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
>
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the
> coast is clear.'
>
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> Sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror And says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
>
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
>
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> and Buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
> opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
> blonde is really Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
> as she does so, she is
>
> Overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
>
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
> Wade was about.
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
> decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> Reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
> radio,
>
> And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
>
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde Ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> dog, then Sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> moaned, 'I come Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> police for help, and what do They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
>

"My wife won't let me."

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won't let me."

They wouldn't let me in without a tie

A traveler was stumbling throughthe dessert,desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting ay a table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parced wanderer asked" please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?
The man repllied" I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here is one that goes nicely with your clothes?
The desperate man shouted" I don't want a tie your idiot, I need water"
OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, i'll tel you that over the hill there about 5 miles.
, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give all the water you want.
The man thanked the peddler and walked towards the hilland eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said" I told you 5 miles down over that hill. Couldn't you find it"?
I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.

I need a new garage door

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”

“Fine, I need a new garage door.”

Yea for the GOOD GUYS!!!

A young Canadian soldier was attending some college courses between assignments .

He had also completed missions in Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?'

Came the reply,

'God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me'


THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING

Funny Quotes from Children

What Is Butt Dust???

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles....

Labour Laws

A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan.

The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

Funny Quotes from Children

What Is Butt Dust???



JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one
for cold milk?'



MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'





STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'





BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in

vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom

explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'





SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'



DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I

cost?'



CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'



MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'



TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather

wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then

asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'



JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife

looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What

happened to the flea?'



The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...





This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without
you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my

very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt
dust?'

'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

you've got 24 hours to live".

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

AIR TRAVEL needs

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

TIRED OF THE RAIN?

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him, so he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Manitoba...

They're still too wet to burn."

Amazing family tradition:

Isaac Ole had heard from his grandma stories of an amazing family tradition in his family. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Isaac’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked," it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes with a broad smile and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January when the lake is frozen and you were born in hot July!"

"You left your cell phone at the con- venience store."

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the con-
venience store."

it's a local call

An American tourist was inside an Orlando church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. Intrigued, the tourist asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The tourist thanked the priest and went on his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'Wonderful. Thank you.' said the tourist. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. Finally, upon leaving Vermont, he decided to travel to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

Arriving in Canada, and upon entering the first church, he saw the same golden telephone. But this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father’, he said, ‘I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the U.S., the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'

The genie joke

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A firefighter and a little girl

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his
shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with
interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead
of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest
had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in
first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the
ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and
blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the
old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the
horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the
problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple
blessing and last rites.'

Jonah & a whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

How much for a season pass?

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

I did because I am a gentleman.

At an entrance:

Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?

Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.

My dog told me

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

“I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

I'm glad I quit drinking

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Cost to get married?

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it

St. Oliver Plunkett (1629-1681)

The name of today's saint is especially familiar to the Irish and the English—and with good reason. The English martyred Oliver Plunkett for defending the faith in his native Ireland during a period of severe persecution.
Born in County Meath in 1629, he studied for the priesthood in Rome and was ordained there in 1654. After some years of teaching and service to the poor of Rome he was appointed Archbishop of Armagh in Ireland. Four years later, in 1673, a new wave of anti-Catholic persecution began, forcing Archbishop Plunkett to do his pastoral work in secrecy and disguise and to live in hiding. Meanwhile, many of his priests were sent into exile; schools were closed; Church services had to be held in secret and convents and seminaries were suppressed. As archbishop, he was viewed as ultimately responsible for any rebellion or political activity among his parishioners.
Archbishop Plunkett was arrested and imprisoned in Dublin Castle in 1679, but his trial was moved to London. After deliberating for 15 minutes, a jury found him guilty of fomenting revolt. He was hanged, drawn and quartered in July 1681.
Pope Paul VI canonized Oliver Plunkett in 1975.

You have 24 hours to live

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

The Russians used a pencil.

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

"Pull, Buddy, pull!"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Think Big

T alent: Our Creator has endowed all of us not just with the ability to sing, dance or throw a ball, but with intellectual talent. Start getting in touch with that part of you that is intellectual and develop that; and think of careers that will allow you to use that.

H onesty: If you lead a clean and honest life, you don't put skeletons in the closet. If you put skeletons in the closet, they definitely will come back just when you don't want to see them and ruin your life.

I nsight: It comes from people who have already gone where you're trying to go. Learn from their triumphs and their mistakes.

N ice: If you're nice to people, then once they get over the suspicion of why you're being nice, they will be nice to you.

K nowledge: It makes you into a more valuable person. The more knowledge you have, the more people need you. It's an interesting phenomenon, but when people need you, they pay you, so you'll be okay in life.

B ooks: They are the mechanism for obtaining knowledge, as opposed to television.

I n-Depth Learning: Learn for the sake of knowledge and understanding, rather than for the sake of impressing people or taking a test.

G od: Never get too big for Him.

From the book “Think Big” By Dr Den Carson

Also:

A Second Chance

To be happy, drop the words “if only” and substitute instead the words “next time”

- Stanley Blanton, M.D.-

oh, that's just a grasshopper

A Texan is visiting Australia for the first time; He sees a sheep and starts laughing; he says to his Australian guide " oh, at home in Texas, sheep are twice as big!" He then sees a cow ands bursts " Puff, in Texas, our cows are much, much bigger!" And suddenly, he sees a kangaroo and asks, "What's that?" the guide answers " oh, that's just a grasshopper...”

St. Thomas More (1478-1535)

His belief that no lay ruler has jurisdiction over the Church of Christ cost Thomas More his life.
Beheaded on Tower Hill, London, July 6, 1535, he steadfastly refused to approve Henry VIII’s divorce and remarriage and establishment of the Church of England.
Described as “a man for all seasons,” More was a literary scholar, eminent lawyer, gentleman, father of four children and chancellor of England. An intensely spiritual man, he would not support the king’s divorce from Catherine of Aragon in order to marry Anne Boleyn. Nor would he acknowledge Henry as supreme head of the Church in England, breaking with Rome and denying the pope as head.
More was committed to the Tower of London to await trial for treason: not swearing to the Act of Succession and the Oath of Supremacy. Upon conviction, More declared he had all the councils of Christendom and not just the council of one realm to support him in the decision of his conscience.

Comment:
Four hundred years later, in 1935, Thomas More was canonized a saint of God. Few saints are more relevant to the 20th century. The supreme diplomat and counselor, he did not compromise his own moral values in order to please the king, knowing that true allegiance to authority is not blind acceptance of everything that authority wants. King Henry himself realized this and tried desperately to win his chancellor to his side because he knew More was a man whose approval counted, a man whose personal integrity no one questioned. But when Thomas resigned as chancellor, unable to approve the two matters that meant most to Henry, the king had to get rid of Thomas More.

Why Go To Church?

If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this! If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it. If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

Why Go To Church?

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals But I do know this.. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!

All right, now that you're done reading, send it on! I think everyone should read this! "When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?

St. Albert Chmielowski

Born in Igolomia near Kraków as the eldest of four children in a wealthy family, he was christened Adam. During the 1864 revolt against Czar Alexander III, Adam’s wounds forced the amputation of his left leg.
His great talent for painting led to studies in Warsaw, Munich and Paris. Adam returned to Kraków and became a Secular Franciscan. In 1888 he took the name Albert when he founded the Brothers of the Third Order of Saint Francis, Servants to the Poor. They worked primarily with the homeless, depending completely on alms while serving the needy, regardless of age, religion or politics. A community of Albertine sisters was established later.
Pope John Paul II beatified him in 1983 and canonized him six years later.

A Yankee lawyer

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

St. William of York (d. 1154)

A disputed election as archbishop of York and a mysterious death. Those are the headlines from the tragic life of today's saint.
Born into a powerful family in 12th-century England, William seemed destined for great things. His uncle was next in line for the English throne—though a nasty dynastic struggle complicated things. William himself faced an internal Church feud.
Despite these roadblocks, he was nominated as archbishop of York in 1140. Local clergymen were less enthusiastic, however, and the archbishop of Canterbury refused to consecrate William. Three years later a neighboring bishop performed the consecration, but it lacked the approval of Pope Innocent II, whose successors likewise withheld approval. William was deposed and a new election was ordered.
It was not until 1154—14 years after he was first nominated—that William became archbishop of York. When he entered the city that spring after years of exile, he received an enthusiastic welcome. Within two months he was dead, probably from poisoning. His administrative assistant was a suspect, though no formal ruling was ever made.
Despite all that happened to him, William did not show resentment toward his opponents. Following his death, many miracles were attributed to him. He was canonized 73 years later.

St. Felix of Cantalice (1515-1587)

Felix was the first Franciscan Capuchin ever canonized. In fact, when he was born, the Capuchins did not yet exist as a distinct group within the Franciscans.
Born of humble, God-fearing parents in the Rieti Valley, Felix worked as a farmhand and a shepherd until he was 28. He developed the habit of praying while he worked.
In 1543 he joined the Capuchins. When the guardian explained the hardships of that way of life, Felix answered: "Father, the austerity of your Order does not frighten me. I hope, with God’s help, to overcome all the difficulties which will arise from my own weakness."
Three years later Felix was assigned to the friary in Rome as its official beggar. Because he was a model of simplicity and charity, he edified many people during the 42 years he performed that service for his confreres.
As he made his rounds, he worked to convert hardened sinners and to feed the poor as did his good friend, St. Philip Neri, who founded the Oratory, a community of priests serving the poor of Rome. When Felix wasn’t talking on his rounds, he was praying the rosary. The people named him "Brother Deo Gratias" (thanks be to God) because he was always using that blessing.
When Felix was an old man, his superior had to order him to wear sandals to protect his health. Around the same time a certain cardinal offered to suggest to Felix’s superiors that he be freed of begging so that he could devote more time to prayer. Felix talked the cardinal out of that idea. Felix was canonized in 1712.

the tired robber

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

"PIG!" vs "Stupid!"

The difference between men and women

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

A father is in church with three of his young children, in-
cluding his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the
children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing
the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl
was taken by this, observing that he was saying something
and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned
to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five
year old...

"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

We learned how to make babies today

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what!

We learned how to make babies today”

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”

It’s simple, replied the girl. “You just change y to i and add es.”

I wrote a check

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:

1. His Doctor

2. His Priest

3. His Lawyer.

He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

St. Theophilus of Corte (1676-1740)

If we expect saints to do marvelous things continually and to leave us many memorable quotes, we are bound to be disappointed with St. Theophilus. The mystery of God's grace in a person's life, however, has a beauty all its own.
Theophilus was born in Corsica of rich and noble parents. As a young man he entered the Franciscans and soon showed his love for solitude and prayer. After admirably completing his studies, he was ordained and assigned to a retreat house near Subiaco. Inspired by the austere life of the Franciscans there, he founded other such houses in Corsica and Tuscany. Over the years, he became famous for his preaching as well as his missionary efforts.
Though he was always somewhat sickly, Theophilus generously served the needs of God's people in the confessional, in the sickroom and at the graveside. Worn out by his labors, he died on June 17, 1740. He was canonized in 1930.

Stupid.....But funny...

Subject: Funnies
Things to make you stop and think
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

I'll be ready in a minute

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled
upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies,

"For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last
half hour...I'll be ready in a minute!"

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

St. Matthias

According to Acts 1:15-26, during the days after the Ascension, Peter stood up in the midst of the brothers (about 120 of Jesus’ followers). Now that Judas had betrayed his ministry, it was necessary, Peter said, to fulfill the scriptural recommendation: “May another take his office.” “Therefore, it is necessary that one of the men who accompanied us the whole time the Lord Jesus came and went among us, beginning from the baptism of John until the day on which he was taken up from us, become with us a witness to his resurrection” (Acts 1:21-22).
They nominated two men: Joseph Barsabbas and Matthias. They prayed and drew lots. The choice fell upon Matthias, who was added to the Eleven.
Matthias is not mentioned by name anywhere else in the New Testament

St. Ignatius of Laconi (1701-1781)

Ignatius is another sainted begging brother.
He was the second of seven children of peasant parents in Sardinia. His path to the Franciscans was unusual. During a serious illness, Ignatius vowed to become a Capuchin if he recovered. He regained his health but ignored the promise. A riding accident prompted him to renew the pledge, which he acted on the second time; he was 20 then. Ignatius’s reputation for self-denial and charity led to his appointment as the official beggar for the friars in Cagliari. He fulfilled that task for 40 years; he was blind the last two years.
While on his rounds, Ignatius would instruct the children, visit the sick and urge sinners to repent. The people of Cagliari were inspired by his

"Wife wanted."

A man placed an ad in the classifieds:A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

"God's missing, and they think we did it!"

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

little old man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

Kids Are Quick

_________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

I work for 7up

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

St. Catharine of Bologna (1413-1463)

Some Franciscan saints led fairly public lives; Catharine represents the saints who served the Lord in obscurity.
Catharine, born in Bologna, was related to the nobility in Ferrara and was educated at court there. She received a liberal education at the court and developed some interest and talent in painting. In later years as a Poor Clare, Catharine sometimes did manuscript illumination and also painted miniatures.
At the age of 17, she joined a group of religious women in Ferrara. Four years later the whole group joined the Poor Clares in that city. Jobs as convent baker and portress preceded her selection as novice mistress.
In 1456 she and 15 other sisters were sent to establish a Poor Clare monastery in Florence. As abbess Catharine worked to preserve the peace of the new community. Her reputation for holiness drew many young women to the Poor Clare life. She was canonized in 1712.

St. Joseph the Worker

Apparently in response to the “May Day” celebrations for workers sponsored by Communists, Pius XII instituted the feast of St. Joseph the Worker in 1955. But the relationship between Joseph and the cause of workers has a longer history.
In a constantly necessary effort to keep Jesus from being removed from ordinary human life, the Church has from the beginning proudly emphasized that Jesus was a carpenter, obviously trained by Joseph in both the satisfactions and the drudgery of that vocation. Humanity is like God not only in thinking and loving, but also in creating. Whether we make a table or a cathedral, we are called to bear fruit with our hands and mind, ultimately for the building up of the Body of Christ.

I'm Karen's mother

My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local hardware
store. "The owner doesn't want us hanging out with our
friends," she said. "If you stop by, tell them you're my
brother."

On my first visit I walked to the customer service desk
and asked the older woman there, "Is Karen around?" When
she looked at me quizzically, I added, "I'm her brother."

She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's mother."

She's a great cook

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Deer hunter

A deer hunter at a hunting camp bagged two deer, one more than the limit. He called his wife ask her to go to the local sporting goods store to get a hunting license in her name and bring it to the hunting camp.

While getting the license she took up conversation with a man who happened to be the Game Warden. "A wonderful thing happened to my husband...he shot two deer, and he wants me to bring this license up to his camp," she said.

"What say, Mam, that we go up there and we'll BOTH congratulate him," he replied.

Blonde GUY joke . . .

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'




Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. he makes his own lunch.'

St. George

If Mary Magdalene was the victim of misunderstanding, George is the object of a vast amount of imagination. There is every reason to believe that he was a real martyr who suffered at Lydda in Palestine, probably before the time of Constantine. The Church adheres to his memory, but not to the legends surrounding his life.
That he was willing to pay the supreme price to follow Christ is what the Church believes. And it is enough.The story of George's slaying the dragon, rescuing the king's daughter and converting Libya is a twelfth-century Italian fable. George was a favorite patron saint of crusaders, as well as of Eastern soldiers in earlier times. He is a patron saint of England, Portugal, Germany, Aragon, Genoa and Venice.

St. Anselm (1033-1109)

Indifferent toward religion as a young man, Anselm became one of the Church's greatest theologians and leaders. He received the title "Father of Scholasticism" for his attempt to analyze and illumine the truths of faith through the aid of reason.
At 15, Anselm wanted to enter a monastery, but was refused acceptance because of his father's opposition. Twelve years later, after careless disinterest in religion and years of worldly living, he finally fulfilled his desire to be a monk. He entered the monastery of Bec in Normandy, three years later was elected prior and 15 years later was unanimously chosen abbot.
Considered an original and independent thinker, Anselm was admired for his patience, gentleness and teaching skill. Under his leadership, the abbey of Bec became a monastic school, influential in philosophical and theological studies.
During these years, at the community's request, Anselm began publishing his theological works, comparable to those of St. Augustine.

Blessed James Oldo (1364-1404)

You'’ve heard rags-to-riches stories. Today, we celebrate the reverse.
James of Oldo was born in 1364, into a well-to-do family near Milan. He married a woman who, like him, appreciated the comforts that came with wealth. But an outbreak of plague drove James, his wife and their three children out of their home and into the countryside. Despite those precautions, two of his daughters died from the plague, James determined to use whatever time he had left to build up treasures in heaven and to build God’s realm on earth.
He and his wife became Secular Franciscans. James gave up his old lifestyle and did penance for his sins. He cared for a sick priest, who taught him Latin. Upon the death of his wife, James himself became a priest. His house was transformed into a chapel where small groups of people, many of them fellow Secular Franciscans, came for prayer and support. James focused on caring for the sick and for prisoners of war. He died in 1404 after contracting a disease from one of his patients.
James Oldo was beatified in 1933.

"I'm the groom."

Quick Wit:

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

St. Magdalen of Canossa (1774-1835

Wealth and privilege did nothing to prevent today’s saint from following her calling to serve Christ in the poor. Nor did the protests of her relatives, concerned that such work was beneath her.
Born in northern Italy in 1774, Magdalen knew her mind—and spoke it. At age 15 she announced she wished to become a nun. After trying out her vocation with the cloistered Carmelites, she realized her desire was to serve the needy without restriction. For years she worked among the poor and sick in hospitals and in their homes and among delinquent and abandoned girls.
In her mid-twenties Magdalen began offering lodging to poor girls in her own home. In time she opened a school, which offered practical training and religious instruction. As other women joined her in the work, the new Congregation of the Daughters of Charity emerged. Over time, houses were opened throughout Italy.
Members of the new religious congregation focused on the educational and spiritual needs of women. Magdalen also founded a smaller congregation for priests and brothers. Both groups continue to this day.
She died in 1835. Pope John Paul II canonized her in 1988.

St. Casilda

Some saints’ names are far more familiar to us than others, but even the lives of obscure holy persons teach us something.
And so it is with St. Casilda, the daughter of a Muslim leader in Toledo, Spain, in the 10th century. Casilda was herself raised as a Muslim and showed special kindness to Christian prisoners. She became ill as a young woman but was not convinced that any of the local Arab doctors could cure her. So, she made a pilgrimage to the shrine of San Vicenzo in northern Spain. Like so many other people who made their way there—many of them suffering from hemorrhages—Casilda sought the healing waters of the shrine. We’re uncertain what brought her to the shrine, but we do know that she left it relieved of illness.
In response, she became a Christian and lived a life of solitude and penance not far from the miraculous spring. It’s said that she lived to be 100 years old. Her death likely occurred around the year 1050.
Tensions between Muslims and Christians have often existed throughout history, sometimes resulting in bloody conflict. Through her quiet, simple life Casilda served her Creator—first in one faith, then another.

St. Hugh of Grenoble (1052-1132)

Today’s saint could be a patron for those of us who feel so overwhelmed by all the problems in the world that we don’t know where to begin.
Hugh, who served as a bishop in France for 52 years, had his work cut out for him from the start. Corruption seemed to loom in every direction: the buying and selling of Church offices, violations of clerical celibacy, lay control of Church property, religious indifference and/or ignorance. After serving as bishop for two years, he’d had his fill. He tried disappearing to a monastery, but the pope called him back to continue the work of reform.
Ironically, Hugh was reasonably effective in the role of reformer—surely because of his devotion to the Church but also because of his strong character. In conflicts between Church and state he was an unflinching defender of the Church. He fearlessly supported the papacy. He was eloquent as a preacher. He restored his own cathedral, made civic improvements in the town and weathered a brief exile.
Hugh may be best known as patron and benefactor of St. Bruno, founder of the Carthusian Order.
Hugh died in 1132. He was canonized only two years later.

St. Stephen of Mar Saba (d. 794)

A "do not disturb" sign helped today's saint find holiness and peace.
Stephen of Mar Saba was the nephew of St. John Damascene, who introduced the young boy to monastic life beginning at age 10. When he reached 24, Stephen served the community in a variety of ways, including guest master. After some time he asked permission to live a hermit's life. The answer from the abbot was yes and no: Stephen could follow his preferred lifestyle during the week, but on weekends he was to offer his skills as a counselor. Stephen placed a note on the door of his cell: "Forgive me, Fathers, in the name of the Lord, but please do not disturb me except on Saturdays and Sundays."
Despite his calling to prayer and quiet, Stephen displayed uncanny skills with people and was a valued spiritual guide.
His biographer and disciple wrote about Stephen: "Whatever help, spiritual or material, he was asked to give, he gave. He received and honored all with the same kindness. He possessed nothing and lacked nothing. In total poverty he possessed all things."
Stephen died in 794.

St. Hesychius of Jerusalem (c. 450)

March 28, 2009
Not only is the name of today's saint a bit hard to pronounce and spell. It's also difficult to learn about such a modest and gentle man who lived in the fourth and fifth century and who is better known in the Russian Orthodox Church.
The birth date of Hesychius (pronounced HESH-us) is unclear, but we know that he was a priest and monk who wrote a history of the Church, unfortunately lost. He also wrote about many of the burning issues of his day. These included the heresy of Nestorianism, which held that there were two separate persons in Jesus—one human, one divine—and the heresy of Arianism, which denied the divinity of Christ. Some of his commentaries on the books of the Bible as well, along with meditations on the prophets and homilies on the Blessed Virgin Mary, still survive.
It's believed Hesychius delivered Easter homilies in the basilica in Jerusalem thought to be the place of the crucifixion.
His words on the Eucharist, written centuries ago, speak to us today: "Keep yourselves free from sin so that every day you may share in the mystic meal; by doing so our bodies become the body of Christ."
Hesychius died around the year 450.

St. Catherine of Genoa (1447-1510)

Going to confession one day was the turning point of Catherine’s life.
When Catherine was born, many Italian nobles were supporting Renaissance artists and writers. The needs of the poor and the sick were often overshadowed by a hunger for luxury and self-indulgence.
Catherine’s parents were members of the nobility in Genoa. At 13 she attempted to become a nun but failed because of her age. At 16 she married Julian, a nobleman who turned out to be selfish and unfaithful. For a while she tried to numb her disappointment by a life of selfish pleasure.
One day in confession she had a new sense of her own sins and how much God loved her. She reformed her life and gave good example to Julian, who soon turned from his self-centered life of distraction.Julian’s spending, however, had ruined them financially. He and Catherine decided to live in the Pammatone, a large hospital in Genoa, and to dedicate themselves to works of charity there. After Julian’s death in 1497, Catherine took over management of the hospital.
She wrote about purgatory which, she said, begins on earth for souls open to God. Life with God in heaven is a continuation and perfection of the life with God begun on earth.
Exhausted by her life of self-sacrifice, she died September 15, 1510, and was canonized in 1737.

Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

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Many folks want to serve God,
But only as advisers.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons
Than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.

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When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.

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Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

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Quit griping about your church;
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.

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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

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Some minds are like concrete
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile.

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I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don't change the message,
The message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him.

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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

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There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

St. Salvator of Horta (1520-1567)

A reputation for holiness does have some drawbacks. Public recognition can be a nuisance at times—as the confreres of Salvator found out.
Salvator was born during Spain’s Golden Age. Art, politics and wealth were flourishing. So was religion. Ignatius of Loyola founded the Society of Jesus in 1540.
Salvator’s parents were poor. At the age of 21 he entered the Franciscans as a brother and was soon known for his asceticism, humility and simplicity.
As cook, porter and later the official beggar for the friars in Tortosa, he became well known for his charity. He healed the sick with the Sign of the Cross. When crowds of sick people began coming to the friary to see Salvator, the friars transferred him to Horta. Again the sick flocked to ask his intercession; one person estimated that two thousand people a week came to see Salvator. He told them to examine their consciences, to go to confession and to receive Holy Communion worthily. He refused to pray for those who would not receive those sacraments.
The public attention given to Salvator was relentless. The crowds would sometimes tear off pieces of his habit as relics. Two years before his death, Salvator was moved again, this time to Cagliari on the island of Sardinia. He died at Cagliari saying, "Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit." He was canonized in 1938.

Benefits of Yoga

Yoga exercise has many benefits including:

-reconnecting with yourself

-mental and physical relaxation

-an improved awarness and sense of calm

-improvement each time with steps associated to yoga

-a time for meditation and contemplation

A headache the next morning

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?” he asked.

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

St. Maximilian (d. 295)

We have an early, precious, almost unembellished account of the martyrdom of St. Maximilian in modern-day Algeria.
Brought before the proconsul Dion, Maximilian refused enlistment in the Roman army saying, "I cannot serve, I cannot do evil. I am a Christian."
Dion replied: "You must serve or die."
Maximilian: "I will never serve. You can cut off my head, but I will not be a soldier of this world, for I am a soldier of Christ. My army is the army of God, and I cannot fight for this world. I tell you I am a Christian."
Dion: "There are Christian soldiers serving our rulers Diocletian and Maximian, Constantius and Galerius."
Maximilian: "That is their business. I also am a Christian, and I cannot serve."
Dion: "But what harm do soldiers do?"
Maximilian: "You know well enough."
Dion: "If you will not do your service I shall condemn you to death for contempt of the army."
Maximilian: "I shall not die. If I go from this earth my soul will live with Christ my Lord."

St. John Joseph of the Cross (1654-1734)

Self-denial is never an end in itself but is only a help toward greater charity—as the life of Saint John Joseph shows.

John Joseph was very ascetic even as a young man. At 16 he joined the Franciscans in Naples; he was the first Italian to follow the reform movement of Saint Peter Alcantara. John’s reputation for holiness prompted his superiors to put him in charge of establishing a new friary even before he was ordained.

Obedience moved John to accept appointments as novice master, guardian and, finally, provincial. His years of mortification enabled him to offer these services to the friars with great charity. As guardian he was not above working in the kitchen or carrying the wood and water needed by the friars.

When his term as provincial expired, John Joseph dedicated himself to hearing confessions and practicing mortification, two concerns contrary to the spirit of the dawning Age of Enlightenment. John Joseph was canonized in 1839.

Jokes can be said in church

Attending a wedding for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''


The mother replied, 'Because white is
the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life.'


The child thought about this for a
moment then said, 'So why is the groom
wearing black?'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best,
was running as fast as she could, trying
not to be late for Bible class. As she ran
she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let
me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let
me be late!'


While she was running and praying, she
tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She
got up, brushed herself off, and started
running again! As she ran she once again
began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late...But please don't shove
me either!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three boys are in the school yard bragging
about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'


The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My
Dad scribbles a few words on piece of
paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'


The third boy says, 'I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece
of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes
eight people to collect all the money!'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly woman died last month. Having
never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions
for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A police recruit was asked during the
exam, 'What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?' He answered,
'Call for backup.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday School teacher asked her class
why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem . A small child replied,
'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the
commandment to 'Honor thy father and
thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a
commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?'


Without missing a beat, one little boy
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


At Sunday School they were teaching
how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs.


Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and
she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain
in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two boys were walking home from
Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the
other, 'What do you think about all this
Satan stuff?'


The other boy replied, 'Well, you know
how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably
just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you
grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing! Take heed and pass these
along to people who need a laugh.

Hiccups

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

A Christian

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself,

You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it.' Then he thought , Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter, who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from God' and keep quiet.'

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change.' The driver, with asmile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town?' 'Yes' he replied.

'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you at church on Sunday.' When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.' Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians, and will put us to the test!

Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself 'Christian.'

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder. So, I choose to forward it to you - my friend.

God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day!

St. Porphyry of Gaza (353-421)

We go far back in history today to learn a bit about a saint whose name is not familiar to most of us in the West but who is celebrated by the Greek and other Eastern churches.

Born near Greece in the mid-fourth century, Porphry is most known for his generosity to the poor and for his ascetic lifestyle. Deserts and caves were his home for a time. At age 40, living in Jerusalem, Porphyry was ordained a priest.

If the accounts we have are correct, he was elected bishop of Gaza—without his knowledge and against his will. He was, in effect, kidnapped (with the help of a neighboring bishop, by the way) and forcibly consecrated bishop by the members of the small Christian community there. No sooner had Porphyry been consecrated bishop then he was accused by the local pagans of causing a drought. When rains came shortly afterward, the pagans gave credit to Porphyry and the Christian population and tensions subsided for a time.

For the next 13 years, Porphyry worked tirelessly for his people, instructed them and made many converts, though pagan opposition continued throughout his life. He died in the year 421.

Blessed John of Fiesole (c. 1400-1455)

The patron of Christian artists was born around 1400 in a village overlooking Florence. He took up painting as a young boy and studied under the watchful eye of a local painting master. He joined the Dominicans at about age 20, taking the name Fra Giovanni. He eventually came to be known as Fra Angelico, perhaps a tribute to his own angelic qualities or maybe the devotional tone of his works.
He continued to study painting and perfect his own techniques, which included broad-brush strokes, vivid colors and generous, lifelike figures. Michelangelo once said of Fra Angelico: “One has to believe that this good monk has visited paradise and been allowed to choose his models there.” Whatever his subject matter, Fra Angelico sought to generate feelings of religious devotion in response to his paintings. Among his most famous works are the Annunciation and Descent from the Cross as well as frescoes in the monastery of San Marco in Florence.

He also served in leadership positions within the Dominican Order. At one point Pope Eugenius approached him about serving as archbishop of Florence. Fra Angelico declined, preferring a simpler life. He died in 1455.

St. Conrad of Piacenza (1290-1350)

Born of a noble family in northern Italy, Conrad as a young man married Euphrosyne, daughter of a nobleman.
One day while hunting he ordered attendants to set fire to some brush in order to flush out the game. The fire spread to nearby fields and to a large forest. Conrad fled. An innocent peasant was imprisoned, tortured to confess and condemned to death. Conrad confessed his guilt, saved the man’s life and paid for the damaged property.

Soon after this event, Conrad and his wife agreed to separate: she to a Poor Clare monastery and he to a group of hermits following the Third Order Rule. His reputation for holiness, however, spread quickly. Since his many visitors destroyed his solitude, Conrad went to a more remote spot in Sicily where he lived 36 years as a hermit, praying for himself and for the rest of the world.

Prayer and penance were his answer to the temptations that beset him. Conrad died kneeling before a crucifix. He was canonized in 1625.

Blessed John of Fiesole (c. 1400-1455)

The patron of Christian artists was born around 1400 in a village overlooking Florence. He took up painting as a young boy and studied under the watchful eye of a local painting master. He joined the Dominicans at about age 20, taking the name Fra Giovanni. He eventually came to be known as Fra Angelico, perhaps a tribute to his own angelic qualities or maybe the devotional tone of his works.

He continued to study painting and perfect his own techniques, which included broad-brush strokes, vivid colors and generous, lifelike figures. Michelangelo once said of Fra Angelico: “One has to believe that this good monk has visited paradise and been allowed to choose his models there.” Whatever his subject matter, Fra Angelico sought to generate feelings of religious devotion in response to his paintings. Among his most famous works are the Annunciation and Descent from the Cross as well as frescoes in the monastery of San Marco in Florence.

He also served in leadership positions within the Dominican Order. At one point Pope Eugenius approached him about serving as archbishop of Florence. Fra Angelico declined, preferring a simpler life. He died in 1455.

St. Gilbert of Sempringham (c. 1083-1189)

Gilbert was born in Sempringham, England, into a wealthy family, but he followed a path quite different from that expected of him as the son of a Norman knight. Sent to France for his higher education, he decided to pursue seminary studies.
He returned to England not yet ordained a priest, and inherited several estates from his father. But Gilbert avoided the easy life he could have led under the circumstances. Instead he lived a simple life at a parish, sharing as much as possible with the poor. Following his ordination to the priesthood he served as parish priest at Sempringham.

Among the congregation were seven young women who had expressed to him their desire to live in religious life. In response, Gilbert had a house built for them adjacent to the Church. There they lived an austere life, but one which attracted ever more numbers; eventually lay sisters and lay brothers were added to work the land. The religious order formed eventually became known as the Gilbertines.

St. Claude la Colombière (1641-1682)

This is a special day for the Jesuits, who claim today’s saint as one of their own. It’s also a special day for people who have a special devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus—a devotion Claude la Colombière promoted, along with his friend and spiritual companion, St. Margaret Mary Alacoque. The emphasis on God’s love for all was an antidote to the rigorous moralism of the Jansenists, who were popular at the time.
Claude showed remarkable preaching skills long before his ordination in 1675. Two months later he was made superior of a small Jesuit residence in Burgundy. It was there he first encountered Margaret Mary Alacoque. For many years after he served as her confessor.
He was next sent to England to serve as confessor to the Duchess of York. He preached by both words and by the example of his holy life, converting a number of Protestants. Tensions arose against Catholics and Claude, rumored to be part of a plot against the king, was imprisoned. He was ultimately banished, but by then his health had been ruined.
He died in 1682. Pope John Paul the Second canonized Claude la Colombière in 1992.

You're Under Arrest

Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the man in front doesn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. She begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, angry and out of control at the man, hammering on her steering wheel and dash.
The light turns yellow. The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake, but you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you. Then I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish symbol on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

God's Healing Powers

A deaf man, a blind man and a disabled man heard a rumor that God came down to a mountaintop to solve people's problems. They all went to find out if it was true.

God asked the deaf man, "Can I help you, son?"
The man signed that he would be so happy if he could get his hearing back. God touched the man and suddenly he could hear.

God then touched the blind man and he was able to see.

The third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted.

The man drew back and yelled, "Don't lay one finger on me. I'm on disability!"