'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

you've got 24 hours to live".

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

AIR TRAVEL needs

Upon boarding a recent flight from Newark to Atlanta and animated flight attendant began to the preparatory speech and safety instruction to the packed flight. Over the intercom he announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the main cabin door has been closed in preparation for departure. The captain now asks that all electronic devices including: pagers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods, blackberry’s, blueberries, strawberries and anything with an on/off switch, including but not limited to Atari game systems and Easy-Bake Ovens, be turned off at this time. Please enjoy your flight and Thank You for choosing us for all your land travel--err--I mean AIR TRAVEL needs!"

TIRED OF THE RAIN?

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him, so he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Manitoba...

They're still too wet to burn."

Amazing family tradition:

Isaac Ole had heard from his grandma stories of an amazing family tradition in his family. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Isaac’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked," it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes with a broad smile and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January when the lake is frozen and you were born in hot July!"

"You left your cell phone at the con- venience store."

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the con-
venience store."

it's a local call

An American tourist was inside an Orlando church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. Intrigued, the tourist asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The tourist thanked the priest and went on his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'Wonderful. Thank you.' said the tourist. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. Finally, upon leaving Vermont, he decided to travel to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

Arriving in Canada, and upon entering the first church, he saw the same golden telephone. But this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father’, he said, ‘I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the U.S., the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'