A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
Showing posts with label jokes-teachers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes-teachers. Show all posts
5/27/11
1/14/11
Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and Confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying In a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it....... circumcision.... May not have been the best way to start."
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and Confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying In a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it....... circumcision.... May not have been the best way to start."
9/4/09
Labour Laws
A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan.
The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.
There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.
There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
8/28/09
Funny Quotes from Children
What Is Butt Dust???
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one
for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without
you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt
dust?'
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one
for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without
you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt
dust?'
6/28/09
The Russians used a pencil.
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.
5/21/09
We learned how to make babies today
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what!
We learned how to make babies today”
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”
It’s simple, replied the girl. “You just change y to i and add es.”
We learned how to make babies today”
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”
It’s simple, replied the girl. “You just change y to i and add es.”
2/1/09
1/28/09
An engineer & a lawyer in heaven & hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
12/27/08
Late for school
Teacher: “why are you always late for school?”
Student: “ because you always ring the bell before I get here!
Student: “ because you always ring the bell before I get here!
12/1/08
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8/24/08
Teachers
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
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