A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Showing posts with label jokes-marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes-marriage. Show all posts
5/27/11
3/3/11
when I'm driving
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
12/31/10
Major decision
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
5/2/10
Carry my cross
After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!
4/21/10
CTV
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they
Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a
bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get
plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out
to Western Canada
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones
from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Lloyd Robertson.
Lloyd Robertson!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Lloyd Robertson
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is!
A COMMONTATER
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they
Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a
bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get
plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out
to Western Canada
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones
from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Lloyd Robertson.
Lloyd Robertson!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Lloyd Robertson
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is!
A COMMONTATER
10/5/09
"I would like to join this damn church."
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it, I said I
want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it, I said I
want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
7 degrees of Blonde
> > FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang At 2 in the morning.
> The very blonde wife picked up the phone, Listened a moment and said
> 'How should I know, that's 200 miles From here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
>
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the
> coast is clear.'
>
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> Sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror And says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
>
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
>
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> and Buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
> opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
> blonde is really Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
> as she does so, she is
>
> Overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
>
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
> Wade was about.
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
> decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> Reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
> radio,
>
> And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
>
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde Ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> dog, then Sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> moaned, 'I come Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> police for help, and what do They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
>
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang At 2 in the morning.
> The very blonde wife picked up the phone, Listened a moment and said
> 'How should I know, that's 200 miles From here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
>
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the
> coast is clear.'
>
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> Sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror And says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
>
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
>
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> and Buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
> opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
> blonde is really Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
> as she does so, she is
>
> Overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
>
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
> Wade was about.
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
> decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> Reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
> radio,
>
> And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
>
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde Ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> dog, then Sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> moaned, 'I come Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> police for help, and what do They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
>
9/14/09
"My wife won't let me."
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
9/10/09
They wouldn't let me in without a tie
A traveler was stumbling throughthe dessert,desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting ay a table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parced wanderer asked" please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?
The man repllied" I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here is one that goes nicely with your clothes?
The desperate man shouted" I don't want a tie your idiot, I need water"
OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, i'll tel you that over the hill there about 5 miles.
, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give all the water you want.
The man thanked the peddler and walked towards the hilland eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said" I told you 5 miles down over that hill. Couldn't you find it"?
I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting ay a table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parced wanderer asked" please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?
The man repllied" I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here is one that goes nicely with your clothes?
The desperate man shouted" I don't want a tie your idiot, I need water"
OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, i'll tel you that over the hill there about 5 miles.
, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give all the water you want.
The man thanked the peddler and walked towards the hilland eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said" I told you 5 miles down over that hill. Couldn't you find it"?
I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.
I need a new garage door
A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”
“Fine, I need a new garage door.”
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”
“Fine, I need a new garage door.”
9/4/09
Funny Quotes from Children
What Is Butt Dust???
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles....
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles....
Labour Laws
A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan.
The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.
There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.
There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
8/28/09
Funny Quotes from Children
What Is Butt Dust???
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one
for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without
you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt
dust?'
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one
for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without
you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite
audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt
dust?'
8/25/09
you've got 24 hours to live".
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
8/20/09
"You left your cell phone at the con- venience store."
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the con-
venience store."
through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the con-
venience store."
8/19/09
The genie joke
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
8/15/09
I did because I am a gentleman.
At an entrance:
Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?
Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.
Woman: Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?
Man: No, I did because I am a gentleman.
7/15/09
I'm glad I quit drinking
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
7/10/09
Cost to get married?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it
5/21/09
"PIG!" vs "Stupid!"
The difference between men and women
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
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