Family Jokes

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Kid Jokes

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

when I'm driving

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Major decision

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

Try getting up half an hour later

You see, Doctor, “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.

“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.

Carry my cross

After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!

Biker in the News

A Harley biker is visiting the zoo in Calgary, Alberta when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A CBC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Canadian military and a Conservative.' The journalist leaves.The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

CTV

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they

Called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out
and

getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a
bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of

Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get
plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out
to Western Canada

to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones
from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,

'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really

be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Lloyd Robertson.

Lloyd Robertson!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Lloyd Robertson
because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

OK! Here it is!

A COMMONTATER

Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers
'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*++*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation :
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

"I would like to join this damn church."

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it, I said I
want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

7 degrees of Blonde

> > FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang At 2 in the morning.
> The very blonde wife picked up the phone, Listened a moment and said
> 'How should I know, that's 200 miles From here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
>
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the
> coast is clear.'
>
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> Sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror And says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
>
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
>
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> and Buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
> opens the Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
> blonde is really Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
> as she does so, she is
>
> Overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'
>
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
>
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
> Wade was about.
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the
> decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> Reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
> radio,
>
> And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
>
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> blonde Ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> dog, then Sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> moaned, 'I come Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> police for help, and what do They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
>

"My wife won't let me."

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won't let me."

They wouldn't let me in without a tie

A traveler was stumbling throughthe dessert,desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting ay a table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parced wanderer asked" please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?
The man repllied" I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here is one that goes nicely with your clothes?
The desperate man shouted" I don't want a tie your idiot, I need water"
OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, i'll tel you that over the hill there about 5 miles.
, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way and they'll give all the water you want.
The man thanked the peddler and walked towards the hilland eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said" I told you 5 miles down over that hill. Couldn't you find it"?
I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.

I need a new garage door

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”

“Fine, I need a new garage door.”

Yea for the GOOD GUYS!!!

A young Canadian soldier was attending some college courses between assignments .

He had also completed missions in Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?'

Came the reply,

'God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an asshole. So, He sent me'


THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING

Funny Quotes from Children

What Is Butt Dust???

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my
very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt dust?'
Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles....

Labour Laws

A man owned a small farm in Southern Saskatchewan.

The Saskatchewan Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.

There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

TIRED OF THE RAIN?

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him, so he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Manitoba...

They're still too wet to burn."

Amazing family tradition:

Isaac Ole had heard from his grandma stories of an amazing family tradition in his family. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Isaac’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked," it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes with a broad smile and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January when the lake is frozen and you were born in hot July!"