You see, Doctor, “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.
5/2/10
Carry my cross
After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!
4/21/10
Biker in the News
A Harley biker is visiting the zoo in Calgary, Alberta when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A CBC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Canadian military and a Conservative.' The journalist leaves.The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A CBC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Canadian military and a Conservative.' The journalist leaves.The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
CTV
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they
Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a
bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get
plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out
to Western Canada
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones
from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Lloyd Robertson.
Lloyd Robertson!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Lloyd Robertson
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is!
A COMMONTATER
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they
Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a
bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get
plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out
to Western Canada
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones
from the other
Side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really
be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Lloyd Robertson.
Lloyd Robertson!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told
Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Lloyd Robertson
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is!
A COMMONTATER
10/23/09
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers
'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*++*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation :
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,
but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons
than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front
of the bus, the middle of the road, and
the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church;
if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge
a man until he is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people
change churches; what difference does
it make which one you stay home from?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing
'Standing on the Promises'
are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Be ye fishers of men. You catch
them - He'll clean them.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Coincidence is when God
chooses to remain anonymous.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark
where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers
'fruit of the spirit' over a 'religious nut!'
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing,
not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*++*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation :
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
10/21/09
the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
10/20/09
St. Maria Bertilla Boscardin
St. Maria Bertilla Boscardin
(1888-1922)
If anyone knew rejection, ridicule and disappointment, it was today’s saint. But such trials only brought Maria Bertilla Boscardin closer to God and more determined to serve him.
Born in Italy in 1888, the young girl lived in fear of her father, a violent man prone to jealousy and drunkenness. Her schooling was limited so that she could spend more time helping at home and working in the fields. She showed few talents and was often the butt of jokes.
In 1904 she joined the Sisters of St. Dorothy and was assigned to work in the kitchen, bakery and laundry. After some time Maria received nurses’ training and began working in a hospital with children suffering from diphtheria. There the young nun seemed to find her true vocation: nursing very ill and disturbed children. Later, when the hospital was taken over by the military in World War I, Sister Maria Bertilla fearlessly cared for patients amidst the threat of constant air raids and bombings.
She died in 1922 after suffering for many years from a painful tumor. Some of the patients she had nursed many years before were present at her canonization in 1961.
(1888-1922)
If anyone knew rejection, ridicule and disappointment, it was today’s saint. But such trials only brought Maria Bertilla Boscardin closer to God and more determined to serve him.
Born in Italy in 1888, the young girl lived in fear of her father, a violent man prone to jealousy and drunkenness. Her schooling was limited so that she could spend more time helping at home and working in the fields. She showed few talents and was often the butt of jokes.
In 1904 she joined the Sisters of St. Dorothy and was assigned to work in the kitchen, bakery and laundry. After some time Maria received nurses’ training and began working in a hospital with children suffering from diphtheria. There the young nun seemed to find her true vocation: nursing very ill and disturbed children. Later, when the hospital was taken over by the military in World War I, Sister Maria Bertilla fearlessly cared for patients amidst the threat of constant air raids and bombings.
She died in 1922 after suffering for many years from a painful tumor. Some of the patients she had nursed many years before were present at her canonization in 1961.
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