St. William of York (d. 1154)

A disputed election as archbishop of York and a mysterious death. Those are the headlines from the tragic life of today's saint.
Born into a powerful family in 12th-century England, William seemed destined for great things. His uncle was next in line for the English throne—though a nasty dynastic struggle complicated things. William himself faced an internal Church feud.
Despite these roadblocks, he was nominated as archbishop of York in 1140. Local clergymen were less enthusiastic, however, and the archbishop of Canterbury refused to consecrate William. Three years later a neighboring bishop performed the consecration, but it lacked the approval of Pope Innocent II, whose successors likewise withheld approval. William was deposed and a new election was ordered.
It was not until 1154—14 years after he was first nominated—that William became archbishop of York. When he entered the city that spring after years of exile, he received an enthusiastic welcome. Within two months he was dead, probably from poisoning. His administrative assistant was a suspect, though no formal ruling was ever made.
Despite all that happened to him, William did not show resentment toward his opponents. Following his death, many miracles were attributed to him. He was canonized 73 years later.

St. Felix of Cantalice (1515-1587)

Felix was the first Franciscan Capuchin ever canonized. In fact, when he was born, the Capuchins did not yet exist as a distinct group within the Franciscans.
Born of humble, God-fearing parents in the Rieti Valley, Felix worked as a farmhand and a shepherd until he was 28. He developed the habit of praying while he worked.
In 1543 he joined the Capuchins. When the guardian explained the hardships of that way of life, Felix answered: "Father, the austerity of your Order does not frighten me. I hope, with God’s help, to overcome all the difficulties which will arise from my own weakness."
Three years later Felix was assigned to the friary in Rome as its official beggar. Because he was a model of simplicity and charity, he edified many people during the 42 years he performed that service for his confreres.
As he made his rounds, he worked to convert hardened sinners and to feed the poor as did his good friend, St. Philip Neri, who founded the Oratory, a community of priests serving the poor of Rome. When Felix wasn’t talking on his rounds, he was praying the rosary. The people named him "Brother Deo Gratias" (thanks be to God) because he was always using that blessing.
When Felix was an old man, his superior had to order him to wear sandals to protect his health. Around the same time a certain cardinal offered to suggest to Felix’s superiors that he be freed of begging so that he could devote more time to prayer. Felix talked the cardinal out of that idea. Felix was canonized in 1712.

the tired robber

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

"PIG!" vs "Stupid!"

The difference between men and women

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

A father is in church with three of his young children, in-
cluding his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the
children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing
the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl
was taken by this, observing that he was saying something
and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned
to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five
year old...

"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

We learned how to make babies today

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what!

We learned how to make babies today”

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”

It’s simple, replied the girl. “You just change y to i and add es.”

I wrote a check

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:

1. His Doctor

2. His Priest

3. His Lawyer.

He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"